Thumper

So, that line in the sand. I came home from vacation to be effectively dumped by the friend I was steadfastly “not dating.” I was spending a whole lot of time with him, doing those things you do with people you date, but we. Were. Not. Dating.

It’s true, we were friends. Are friends. But any way you slice it, rejection sucks, and there I was fresh off a lovely vacation, kind of gnawing my arm off in anticipation of a reunion, ahem, and bam. He’d met a girl who he liked and who wanted what he wanted. (And which I, emphatically, did not want. Do not want.)

We’d been hanging out for about three months, which is the same amount of time I’d been with my ex when he tried to break up with me at the beginning of our relationship. To keep the story manageable, we’ll just say I didn’t let him leave me. I couldn’t handle the thought of being alone with the bitter taste of rejection in my mouth, so when none of my friends were around to help me pick up my pieces, I called him back and told him I was coming over.

In hindsight, well. Maybe not the best idea. But it’s done.

This time, when I was rejected after three months, I sucked it up and handled my shit. And by “handled my shit” I mean “went home alone and cried myself to sleep,” but hey. I’d been up for nearly twenty-two hours at that point most of them in a car or on an airplane, and I was feeling a little fragile. I woke up early the next morning and dragged myself out for a run before rounding up a friend to go to the farmer’s market.

I handled my shit. All by myself. I made peace with being alone for the foreseeable future.; I made lists, set plans, started making stuff and exercising again. I realized that I had no idea when or even if I’d fall in love again, and that was okay. It was no longer something I wanted, or needed.

The next week, which was last week, I met a boy.

I think maybe it might happen sooner than I thought, possibly.

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coming back to town

It’s funny how I can feel totally at home and at peace with myself in the woods, going to bed just after sundown, not worrying about entertaining myself too much (well, except books), not feeling the need to interact with humans, but the second I start moving back toward the city I feel lonely. Being around people is what makes me feel lonely. It’s also what I crave. What kind of brutal paradox is that? Hmph.

I wrote that about a month ago, after I returned home from a camping trip. Saturday I returned home after a week on vacation. Tropical paradise vacation. I traveled with friends, and spent a week as part of a unit for the first time in a while. Having time to myself again and falling asleep in an apartment that’s empty except for me was both lovely and lonely.

My moods are up and down and back again lately. History is repeating (or I’d like to think it is), except this time I make the right decisions. The trip feels like a line in the sand; I had my escape and now it’s time to hunker down. In a month I’ll be officially, legally on my own. A divorcee (ooh, fancy; where’s Henry James when I need him?). I’d like to cross that threshold with my life in a certain order.

Step 1: kill jet lag.